I wore four symmetrical peacock feathers in my hair today. Was told in many capacities that I am... er.... uhhh... ahem... pretty. FUCK. It induced everything from wanting to be obfuscate and punch soft fluffy things, to swooning and lowering eyes in feverish overly-pink blushes.
I don't know why I do this. I am on a slippery slope, and strange mental ground and have been for some time in my life, where I am very comfortable with this strange shell I carry my soul in and about, but find if I teeter too long in compliment/ego land, I get called conceited and many bad things are brought to my attention, about myself, leaving me questioning that pretty terrain I climbed through in my head to get to that comfortability with the carrier of said soul (which is all that fuckin matters.... i.e. ECKART TOLLE.....)
I so loathed the general public, working at the mall. Watching these wrinkled-up, faux-tanned to the color of keratin fuckin orange, with rocks on their finger so big they could skate on em, putting $5000 purchases on their husbands' credit cards, and everything on that sale fitting into a bag no bigger than a cd case (remember those, kiddles?) and thinking..... "That could clothe, feed, and house my children for some time". But no bitch, get that wrinkle cream avec France, you so need to care that much.
I am a little more psycho-eccentric than normal, tonight. And I sound way worked up and angry, when in reality, I have had a GREAT day. It was beautiful, sunny, warm-to-hot, went shopping (hello 5 1/2" stilettos!!!! Sequined like Michael's beloved singular glove), black leather mini-jacket, rainbow packet of socks, pants that every girl would covet if they fit how they fit me, blue shirt that landed me my job, lol, peacock feathers all in a row, or rather, a clover-shape.
Madeline and Desi had fun at Playtime Plus. Had dinner at CiCi's. Went shopping. Tried on Fedoras and fell in love with the newest shipment of our guilty pleasure- Littlest Pet Shop toys. Went for a walk with Grandma and the dog, and took pictures of the landscape, as rolling and budding as a 12 year old's chest. Pre-hormone-swollen-milk, might I add. Like 12yo from the CD CASE days. Ha.
I am ever-impressed with this lad from the bus that I met. I feel like it will all come crashing down around me, because I am bi-polar and so unstructured and all over the place, and can be very irresponsible with correspondence, and some days I talk his fucking ear off and the next I want to take the girls and retreat into a tiny hole and listen to frickin Morphine and Lynch-y soundtracks, and Nin, and create paperdolls and give them names and too-much detail. He's creative and so much we have in common, except he seems level-headed and even-keeled, whereas I cheer on Ihop's chicken-n-waffles new meal-deal strictly due to my sever bi-polarity; I just like to finally have a 2-in-1 menu choice. Even if I think it's gross, lol. I kid through much more of this than I am serious. But am I becoming so sardonic it's blurring the line?
I cannot stop listening to NMH today, btw. Oh Comely speaks so effortlessly and to my heart. It tugs at strings that were cut a long time ago. Aghast! Emo-baby rubs off on me....hahaha that's ridiculous
All in all.... good day. Great day. Thoughts of NM are being taken out to sea slowly each day. I always coveted that damn forbidden fucking fruit. Bad, bad Jenna. Tres mal.
Justin, Stephanie, Britt, Anna, Evan, Ace, Sam, Benny, I fuckin miss you guys. Go out on the street corners and raise a ruckus or at least play some good fuckin music in my absense and your drunk raspy lyricist (BARELY) will return someday. I'll have a whole new set a' heartbreaks for Bham by then. OMG My Bellingham. Fair gem on the sea. My Pacific-Northwest secret-yet-not treasure. I long for you already it's not been but a month.
Kiss the morning air and the morning dew for me.
Tried to make ugly faces to ward off wanted and unwanted compliments alike.
I don't know why I do this. I am on a slippery slope, and strange mental ground and have been for some time in my life, where I am very comfortable with this strange shell I carry my soul in and about, but find if I teeter too long in compliment/ego land, I get called conceited and many bad things are brought to my attention, about myself, leaving me questioning that pretty terrain I climbed through in my head to get to that comfortability with the carrier of said soul (which is all that fuckin matters.... i.e. ECKART TOLLE.....)Anyway, got a job. My adulation precedes my ambivalence, lol. No, I am happy I can mentally check out and live in crazy-Jenna-fluff-artsy-Kahlo-esque-swirly Land for a few hours a day. And get payed for it. I go on auto-pilot (ahem... tattoo on left hip....) better than anyone I know. When I worked at Sephora I regularly drifted into "Urban Decay" and hopped from one frosted-eyeshadow color to the next. I would "Benefit" from ripened reds and orgasm-blushes and pubescent neons, parlayed pastels, slipping in and out of reality, from customer to makeup-inspired comatose with Kat Von D getting flogged by Jews while demo-ing her newest nailpolish and whore-wreaking fragrance. Saint? .... or Sinner?
I am a little more psycho-eccentric than normal, tonight. And I sound way worked up and angry, when in reality, I have had a GREAT day. It was beautiful, sunny, warm-to-hot, went shopping (hello 5 1/2" stilettos!!!! Sequined like Michael's beloved singular glove), black leather mini-jacket, rainbow packet of socks, pants that every girl would covet if they fit how they fit me, blue shirt that landed me my job, lol, peacock feathers all in a row, or rather, a clover-shape.
Madeline and Desi had fun at Playtime Plus. Had dinner at CiCi's. Went shopping. Tried on Fedoras and fell in love with the newest shipment of our guilty pleasure- Littlest Pet Shop toys. Went for a walk with Grandma and the dog, and took pictures of the landscape, as rolling and budding as a 12 year old's chest. Pre-hormone-swollen-milk, might I add. Like 12yo from the CD CASE days. Ha.
I am ever-impressed with this lad from the bus that I met. I feel like it will all come crashing down around me, because I am bi-polar and so unstructured and all over the place, and can be very irresponsible with correspondence, and some days I talk his fucking ear off and the next I want to take the girls and retreat into a tiny hole and listen to frickin Morphine and Lynch-y soundtracks, and Nin, and create paperdolls and give them names and too-much detail. He's creative and so much we have in common, except he seems level-headed and even-keeled, whereas I cheer on Ihop's chicken-n-waffles new meal-deal strictly due to my sever bi-polarity; I just like to finally have a 2-in-1 menu choice. Even if I think it's gross, lol. I kid through much more of this than I am serious. But am I becoming so sardonic it's blurring the line?
I cannot stop listening to NMH today, btw. Oh Comely speaks so effortlessly and to my heart. It tugs at strings that were cut a long time ago. Aghast! Emo-baby rubs off on me....hahaha that's ridiculous
All in all.... good day. Great day. Thoughts of NM are being taken out to sea slowly each day. I always coveted that damn forbidden fucking fruit. Bad, bad Jenna. Tres mal.
Justin, Stephanie, Britt, Anna, Evan, Ace, Sam, Benny, I fuckin miss you guys. Go out on the street corners and raise a ruckus or at least play some good fuckin music in my absense and your drunk raspy lyricist (BARELY) will return someday. I'll have a whole new set a' heartbreaks for Bham by then. OMG My Bellingham. Fair gem on the sea. My Pacific-Northwest secret-yet-not treasure. I long for you already it's not been but a month.
Kiss the morning air and the morning dew for me.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete(original post removed for typoes)
ReplyDeleteHave you ever considered that its the dualism between punching everything in sight and batting your eyelashes that makes you so damn pretty? I'll just hope that my compliments are wanted (jk lol) Self-esteem is very balloon-like; too much, and you get all stretched out trying to maintain the pressure (or just blow up); too little, and you end up a flat, easily discarded peace of rubber (intentional metaphor is intentional). YAY!!! way to get a job girl, you rock so hardcore, I'm gonna spell it HXC <3. Oh, and the saints are just the sinners, who fall down, and then get back up...Do you work in a mall, or something? That prolly sux, if you do, but at least its a job (a dick to suck, as Pinky might say...) Glad to hear you had a good day, I did too, and now I'm in a crazy, spun-out (without shards) mood. Wonder if its some cosmic something or other, or if our brains are just connected somehow (days away I, still feel you, touching me, changing me) I will try to lay off the Tool references, as I think they tend to cheapen my communication (well, now schism's in my head). Those clothes sound sweet, bt-dub (I stole that, just in case I didn't let you know) and thx for "pants that every girl would covet if they fit how they fit me" the resulting image made my day (doesn't grow itself, y'know ;) Remeber "a season for all things" don't worry if you feel extroverted one day, and introverted the next, we all ride the emotional rollercoaster, your rollercoaster is just a little more intense than most people's, that's all, and its not like its necessarily a bad thing (unless you fall off, I guess...) I love you exactly the way you are, I want you to know that. If I EVER try to change or corral you, please rear back and kick me in the face. Find beauty in the dissonance, and all that noise, think about how BORING normal people are (tho boring certainly has its place) I'm just trying to say, if you weren't so all over the place, you wouldn't be Jenna, and so you wouldn't be my best friend, whatever that means. (I really want to try that chicken and waffles, the commercials REALLY piss me off, 'cause I know its not going to be what I see, and what I want, but some pale imitation, a copy of a copy of a...) Is the line really so blurry? (I don't know, I don't know...)I've been wanting to listen to more NMH for a while now, I know they have a few more albums, but my "purism" has been stopping me (like, I've never even watched a live version of songs from "aeroplane") I will try and get some word from the grapevine (Pinky, Patrick, and Jelly, as they are the ones responsible for me knowing about NMH) as to where a good place to go next is, or maybe I'll just break down and torrent the discography. One last Tool quote, I promise "let the waters kiss, and, transmutate, these leaden grudges, into gold" y'know, they guy who teaches my recovery class has this pretty good saying "god will make the pig poop of your past grow the flowers of your future" (paraphrase) and a worship song I like goes "he makes all things, work together for my good" so keep on keepin on (rockin in the free world) is all I can really say, there is beauty in ALL things, if you have the right kind of eyes ;) Miss you too, super-lots, streets is too quiet without'cha babe...<8
Know I'm late to the party but better late than forgetting altogether...or however that saying goes. I'll try to cover each paragraph to show I don't just skim through it and post a response(in which it looks like the one above didn't forget a thing)
ReplyDeleteWhy fight off compliments? As long as you know where that line between normal and conceited lies you should embrace what others say about you. I know in the time I spent with you in the past you would often compliment me. Often as an assault on the castle walls of my existence. When I offered them in return however(which all were sincere) you put up walls yourself.(what's up with that huh?) Not trying to tell you what to do. So please don't take it like that.
Congratulations on the job! It's good to have a job where you have time to think and slip into your own state of mind where your curiosity and imagination take hold. I find myself there time and time again. Even points where I don't come out fully for days or even weeks. Doing just enough to get by.
As for the general public, the cattle of this world roam around following animal next to them never knowing where they are going nor when they'll get there. It's the free spirits of the world that drift away from the herd, never being cattle in the first place. People do sicken me. The world being ruled monetarily. Power, greed, possessions, and money all go hand in hand.(sounds somewhat familiar)
Ahh you and your love for anything MJ. I've thought of getting you things from time to time to surprise you. I've even though about the girls, whom I've never met. I know what they like and when shopping have picked up things and though about your girls.
Awww Cici's! I haven't eaten there in ages! Sounds like a fun afternoon for you girls. :)
Usually not the jealous type as I have no hold over your life nor your whole heart but I am curious about this guy. You'll have to tell me more about him one day.
I'm glad to see that your past with NH is slowly drifting out of your mind.
I'm sure I can speak for all of your friends when I say We miss you, Jenna! But on a more personal note...I miss you playing the piano, singing to me, looking into my eyes while you do both... You're amazing Jenna. You're one of the best friends I have and will ever have.