Saturday, September 15, 2012

And my tears run dry.....

It started with a comment about how I could probably throw a really mean punch.

Then one day I gave 'im one. And he didn't seem to think it was pretty anymore. My knuckles and hands and... well, general existence.

He left me. Those three words have played in my head in every form possible over and over again. He. Him. Boy. Beloved. Gone. Left. Away. Disappeared. Me. I. Broken-hearted. Moi. Alone. Stranded.

Set aside. Tossed aside. Wondering what happened .

My mother told me that prior to his unexpected leaving, he told her of his plans. And she even told him; you can't just, leave somebody, when they are not doing well, and then come back.  That will destroy her and she will hate you for it. He was okay with that.

I am horrible in a relationship capacity I guess. I really truly am. I am a slutbag, I am a drug addict, granted- over a year clean now, but yes, I am not Suzie Homemaker that's for sure. But man, did I try. And I loved him truly and so deeply.

Now this morning I wake up and am just livid. If you love someone, you stay. If you care, you stay. You don't leave, you don't tell them it's the amicable way to desert them, when they promise to strive to do better. And I really would have. I would have given it my fucking all.

I guess, I am better off without someone in my life that was so quick to leave me anyhow. Right? Right?

I at the moment, cannot listen to Chris Cornell, Pearl Jam leaves me misty eyed, I hate that Little Caesars commercial- the one we both laughed at so hard, I hate that the Food Network featured so many damn things to do about Dickson Street in frickin' Fayetteville AR today, I can't put on anything sexy, I don't want to smell Blue Moon beer.

It's taken me thirteen times to try and write this meaningless dribble.

What I can't even fathom, is that he kept screaming and crying that he loved me, as he walked out the door, and wouldn't reply to my emails begging for communication.

Now who feels stupid. Yep. You can point, I'll forgive it this time. 

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