Monday, April 23, 2012

El Chupacabra

Chupafest 2012. Le sigh.

Not fair. Distance has never seemed so far away. In a way, I'm very glad to be far away from it, so that I can preserve the how well I am doing, I can maintain my clean bill of health. My sobriety. Which is numero uno, man. Seriously. After that, I am thankful for the distance so that nothing could interrupt my new embarkment on a new boy that fills the very bowels of my heart. And that ain't shitty :)

God only knows what would happen if I was placed again prematurely not only into the swelling, in-your-face-yet-underground petri dish of fuckin opiates and beautifully seedy and intriguing things that swim in those dark waters, but also in the presense of the one-and-only Chupacabra, himself.

As anyone who knows me, my heart will forever swell and shake at the mere mention of Mr. Chupa. My head recites his address, his birthdate, his middle name, my bottom lip shakes, and I feel an intant and intense sense of A) euphoria B) shame C) heartache and D) nostalgia.

Don't think for a second that somehow it obscures the ability to love as deeply as I did him. It doesn't. I feel everything. Too much. Just, it's the fucking chupa/girly-girl dynamic that smelled like campfire smoke, post-grunge and punk rock in garages,  burnt cd's, I love you's and I hate you's, tolerance, patience, fury, passion, and holes in the brain.

Can you hear it right now? Ssshhh listen. Yes, there is Hedwig. And his angry inch. Slowly as the lights go down, across the trailer park. And there's that eye contact.

Damnit. If i could fucking astral project for one moment's time, and just let you feel what I do with nostalgia this potent. You would be on fire as well.

Thanks for a lifetime of wonderful memories jam packed into a few years. Most people don't get to experience what we did in three lifetimes.

Someone go for me. And tell me in glorious detail about it. It's almost too much for me to even think about right now.

Muah, Chupa. I know you'll never read this.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Patron Saint of Pretty

90s Barbies!!! Erin, pictures just for you, as per request!!! :)

So today, after a horrible breakfast, I swear my mother is cursed and always ends up with the worst service and/or food you could ever have, the girls and I walked across the road to this store that said "Elm Street Garage Sale" in Broken Arrow. OMG. We found an entire box of barbie clothing that I had when I was growing up! We bought the whole box for $15!!!! We have been dressing them all morning, what a nice Satruday. And watching Beauty and the Beast. Again. Lol. Here are some pics we took, I think their new barbies and pretty stylin. I swear I saw all of these clothes at Rue 21 in Plano, Texas! Hahaha

Oh I wish I had all these clothes! Oh and a 19" waist, right hahahaha

Love you Erin!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Devotionals, shades of graditude and leaving loser ville.

I am always so overwhelmed by the small, wonderful things we have in life. I am reminded of the saying today

"Gratitude consists of being more aware of what you have, than what you don’t. –Unknown"

Days like today, I want to whisk my children and lover off to maybe Nepal, or maybe some quiet part of Thailand. or maybe...a ranch in rural Montana. Or my mind wanders to being in the bustled streets in India. Or just simply, here, in Oklahoma, being more grateful for the things I need not want, already.

Maybe it is due to watching "One day in the Life" (documenting one day, July 24th, 2010 with edited footage from an original, astounding 4000+ minutes, submitted from all over the world)that I am so grateful for the wonderful life i have. I really am blessed. It is astounding how much we so take for granted. I know, it sounds so cliche, but really, life is beautiful.

Recently, I have been blessed with finding a tremendous addition to my life. A best friend. And lover. And amazing one he is at both.
Yes, yes, this is the next chapter, that has closed the files and books on the Chupa saga. Which I have never said before.

I was reminded this morning of how proud you should be, and never ashamed to love, LOVE. To never ever cut love off, or prevent yourself from giving it or receiving it. You know us hedonistic humans, and how if we have been pained before, we do anything we can often, to prevent it from happening again.
But what happens, if you have loved an absent love. And in that absense, the memory has evolved into nothing but fondness, respect, nostalgia, and the wish to replace it someday. What happens, if you remove the bandage that has since healed that small wound underneath, displaying a shiny new cartoonish, bright fuck-me -lipstick red anatomical metaphorical heart, ready to be used again.....and somebody actually picks it, up, spits and polishes it, and asks you if they can hold it for you for a little while.

And an amazing thing happens- you go to tell them no? yes? And the light catches them, and you realize, they respect you. They look at you with adornment and the same look in their eye that your idol and rolemodel in all things romantic, once looked at you many years ago next to a Pacific Northwest campfire, heavy with the smell of pine trees and fresh dirt around you and asked if you would be their girl. And it meant everything to you.

And now, it catches you off guard, for this moment meant more to you than even that one.

And your mind is limber, and sober now, it is free to not be a caged animal. To succumb to mental slavery is to prevent yourself from having all the strength my Lord gave me to be so free and able to go anywhere in my head, and do anything.

I close my eyes now, while my children are at school. the house is quiet, the world is bustling, and although it seems slow as molasses here, in Oklahoma, in the sleepy midwest, and like I have momentarily been left behind, i know it will only be greater and louder and more wonderful because I am loved, I am loved by my children. I am loved by Him. I am loved by my JamJam.

Music seems more distinct today. Food taste sweeter today. Coffee taste bolder today. Pain wasn't as strong today. Emotions ran at an all-time high.

Please, today anyone out there reading this, know there is more good in our small insecure world than bad. Know that if you feel like you have it right now, you do, or will.

As quickly as negative comes, it will go away.It will be replaced by good, the trick is, to notice it, and sieze it.

Monday, April 9, 2012

And thus begins the dawning of clipping for Polyvore

I apologize, I am proud of my art, but I am adding things to clip to polyvore. Well, at least it's pretty to look at lol

Monday, April 2, 2012

Regrets, Heroin, and New Leaves

Oh sigh sigh sigh.

As well as I am doing in my life now, I find it hard to believe that in a time less far away than I would like to admit, I was a junkie slut heroin addict.

How life got to be like that, I have no idea. I mean, I remember the day it went from mmm shooting up feels glorious, to omg I'm going to be sick if I don't get some, it was in the 5ft x 9ft travel trailer that Brian and I lived in, in the parking lot of his dad's automotive shop (Sorry Chuck).

How seductive and powerful that horrible heroin is. I can't to this day smell vinegar without feeling dope sick. I can't get a shot or see a syringe without longing, and then feeling sick. Almost like a Clockwork Orange effect. I don't ever want to touch it ever again.
Well, of course, every addict always wants to feel it again, but never wants to become the addict we were at our worst and royally, emotionally ass-fuck every person we came into contact with and did that to before.
I just today wrote somebody that I know really deserved an apology. I used him like any piece of shit junkie uses somebody to not be sick, to get rides to meet shady people, for shady things.
Then I would high as a kite, and he really would be my hero, and my friend. Oh man, if he got me what I could throw in a spoon and cook, well as soon as it hit my system there's no one that was sweeter to him than me.

Yeah yeah, I should just focus on the really great part, which is, I am totally sober now and plan on being that for a long, long long time.

Some days it is just... there is such a duality in what I crave. If I think about some of the things I did, I get sick. Sometimes I think of wanting it so bad, I get sick.

I am sorry to you, Justin D. That was all me and it's really depressing me today.


It's a bitch