Monday, April 2, 2012

Regrets, Heroin, and New Leaves

Oh sigh sigh sigh.

As well as I am doing in my life now, I find it hard to believe that in a time less far away than I would like to admit, I was a junkie slut heroin addict.

How life got to be like that, I have no idea. I mean, I remember the day it went from mmm shooting up feels glorious, to omg I'm going to be sick if I don't get some, it was in the 5ft x 9ft travel trailer that Brian and I lived in, in the parking lot of his dad's automotive shop (Sorry Chuck).

How seductive and powerful that horrible heroin is. I can't to this day smell vinegar without feeling dope sick. I can't get a shot or see a syringe without longing, and then feeling sick. Almost like a Clockwork Orange effect. I don't ever want to touch it ever again.
Well, of course, every addict always wants to feel it again, but never wants to become the addict we were at our worst and royally, emotionally ass-fuck every person we came into contact with and did that to before.
I just today wrote somebody that I know really deserved an apology. I used him like any piece of shit junkie uses somebody to not be sick, to get rides to meet shady people, for shady things.
Then I would high as a kite, and he really would be my hero, and my friend. Oh man, if he got me what I could throw in a spoon and cook, well as soon as it hit my system there's no one that was sweeter to him than me.

Yeah yeah, I should just focus on the really great part, which is, I am totally sober now and plan on being that for a long, long long time.

Some days it is just... there is such a duality in what I crave. If I think about some of the things I did, I get sick. Sometimes I think of wanting it so bad, I get sick.

I am sorry to you, Justin D. That was all me and it's really depressing me today.


It's a bitch

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