Monday, February 25, 2013

Sickness, More sickness, and tumultuous fever of varying, emotional kinds.

Where to begin. This entry is a fucking abominable flurry and ache and whirlwind of so much... crap. Maybe not crap... morality. Morality crap. Emotional crap. 

First off, day four of being sick. The flu. Which, when you are not sick, means nothing to you. One doesn't really ever remember how bad being sick feels, until you have that sickness yourself, and are cursing your God (Gods) or personal belief structures, for letting your immune system be maimed in such a way. 

Let's go back, about... two weeks. I am dating Wichita. Wichita seems to be... half annoyed, and half enamored with me. Not a good start for me, but I find him irresistible, and want so badly to have him see me as.. I don't know what... potential long-term fuck buddy with tones of romantic indulgence and acceptance. .

 I do like the boy, probably too much. So, I am trying to just, pull myself into myself, and pretend I have a cocoon made of silk, sickness, brine, and seashells. It's hard when you kinda know that... you're just what's up until something better comes along. He doesn't do anything that makes me feel like crap. But come on, I'm an emotional wreck, a roller coaster, and what would I expect for him to do... stick around? Yeah. Right. 

Wichita is in... Wichita right now. On vacation. And all I can think is, no amount of anything I ever give him, will ever be enough for how cool he is. Makes me feel like a Sonic Youth song lol. 

Maybe I am just totally miserable today. 

Two years ago almost to the day, I quit heroin. I was dopesick then, and now today just regular sick. And no shot at the end of this brown rainbow. Meh, just as well. I don't want that crap anymore, anyhow. 

Let's see, what else. Been on a blur of novel-reading lately. Which, is a good thing, and a bad thing. As SOON as I am done with one, I hurriedly put on another one. It's like I can't have a breath in between them, or it lets me think, and my mind will reel. I would add my list of what I have read, but maybe later. I can't decide if that would just make me seem like I'm trying to fucking.. show off or some such shite. 

Well my fever is only 101 now. Going to curl up in the bottom of a steaming hot shower and shove everything back down. Screw the cork back in. Tighter this time. Shovel everything in heaps back down. And put the cheery smile back on my face. Back to work tomorrow. Back to swallowing words upon words and chapter upon chapter, and plan for Wichita's birthday. I want it to be. 

Perfect. Maybe it distracts from who is throwing the party. And maybe I feel that that will help. But it also is sincere. Cause I met a boy who deserves the world. 

I'll just take everything... less serious. Realize the implications and how this isn't a forever-thing, and roll with it. As hard as it is for us Cancers. 

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